Walled up

One of my greatest temptations is to wall up.

You know when you feel triggered and the alarm bells start ringing and you say oh no we’ve been here before, shut the doors! It’s not safe! We need safety! Shut down. System offline.

This is me sometimes, you? I had some victory this week I’d love to share.

My security and safety hasn’t always rested in Christ, I’ve tried to rest in my ability to survive, to be self-sufficient.

In fact it is still a temptation to fall back on “walling up” when things don’t seem secure and safe. I want safety, but I’ve settled for survival instead.

And when that self defense mechanism gets triggered I keep others out and the One who can truly keep me safe out too.

God keeps me safe by coming to live within me. Teaching me, guiding me.

I felt tempted to “wall up” this past week. I was scared I’d messed up. Said something wrong and wondering if someone took what I said wrong.

I wanted to hunker down. So southern hunker. But it’s true. I felt all the doors slamming up. Like on the movies when the alarm is triggered.

My body yelled “get safe, shut the doors so no one can get it until we get through this.” But I wall out people, and I also wall out God.

I can’t hear Him, not because he doesn’t want to be close, but because I’ve taken things into my own hands.

He’s kind and doesn’t force me.

He lets me choose.

And this week I said it out loud to my husband, I want to shut down.

He sensed it, as I did. And usually it just takes over. I felt myself fight.

Talking through the issue instead of running from shame or guilt.

These times feel like miracles. It is beyond me. Beyond my ability to stay and not shut down. It was Him moving in me and allowing for me to reach out.

So as I write, I remember 2 Thessalonians 3:3, “But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one.”

Our safety is secure in our Savior. He meets every need where there is deficiency.

We are safe in Him. He will show you, if but for a moment you will lay down you protection. It takes time. But He’s there waiting, believing in, and loving us.

Splash

This morning, I gather my three little ducklings (I called them my evil stepsisters yesterday, and I was obviously Cinderella) to head off to a local splash pad.  Energy was up and we need some time outside and in this heat water must be involved.

I’m driving and talking to my mom asking for prayer because not only were we going to go to the splash pad I was going to try and walk through Old Navy with three kids five and under in tow.  I know, it wasn’t essential.  Sometimes I just like to test out if we can make it.  It’s like an obstacle course or something.

As we were enjoying the splash pad, I felt the *pause*.  That moment where you can evaluate how things are going, how you are feeling, and you are able to be present.  And I was filled with gratitude.  Two years ago, this trip would have felt like climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro but today it was peaceful.  It wasn’t perfect.

I did get my kids a cookie before battling Old Navy, I’m not stupid.  I bought two shirts, and then made it to Barnes and Noble.  I’m pushing it, I know.  The kids played and then we hit that wall, you know the one that if you climb over it there’s no returning.  We were starting to act a little crazy, we had a poopy diaper, and tears for more stuff.  It was time to go.

And off we went.

We made it.

So mom, new mom, you can do this.  What seems impossible will be a breeze one day, then slow down just enough to celebrate.  I took a bath.

Reminded today: we are all on a journey and sometimes we don’t know where it’s taking us, but we can trust that we are being prepared for it.