Walled up

One of my greatest temptations is to wall up.

You know when you feel triggered and the alarm bells start ringing and you say oh no we’ve been here before, shut the doors! It’s not safe! We need safety! Shut down. System offline.

This is me sometimes, you? I had some victory this week I’d love to share.

My security and safety hasn’t always rested in Christ, I’ve tried to rest in my ability to survive, to be self-sufficient.

In fact it is still a temptation to fall back on “walling up” when things don’t seem secure and safe. I want safety, but I’ve settled for survival instead.

And when that self defense mechanism gets triggered I keep others out and the One who can truly keep me safe out too.

God keeps me safe by coming to live within me. Teaching me, guiding me.

I felt tempted to “wall up” this past week. I was scared I’d messed up. Said something wrong and wondering if someone took what I said wrong.

I wanted to hunker down. So southern hunker. But it’s true. I felt all the doors slamming up. Like on the movies when the alarm is triggered.

My body yelled “get safe, shut the doors so no one can get it until we get through this.” But I wall out people, and I also wall out God.

I can’t hear Him, not because he doesn’t want to be close, but because I’ve taken things into my own hands.

He’s kind and doesn’t force me.

He lets me choose.

And this week I said it out loud to my husband, I want to shut down.

He sensed it, as I did. And usually it just takes over. I felt myself fight.

Talking through the issue instead of running from shame or guilt.

These times feel like miracles. It is beyond me. Beyond my ability to stay and not shut down. It was Him moving in me and allowing for me to reach out.

So as I write, I remember 2 Thessalonians 3:3, “But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one.”

Our safety is secure in our Savior. He meets every need where there is deficiency.

We are safe in Him. He will show you, if but for a moment you will lay down you protection. It takes time. But He’s there waiting, believing in, and loving us.

Acceptance

I learned young you should push back on areas you don’t like about yourself.  For example, I don’t like that I get overwhelmed easily, so I’ll pretend I don’t feel overwhelmed.  Then struggle and toil against that overwhelming feeling, that is one hundred percent human, and typically make myself more overwhelmed.

So I’m writing this for me today, I hope you get something too.

I think at the heart of the gospel is acceptance.  I think of the woman who had bled for years without any relief, I think of the man with leprosy who was not accepted by society, both completely accepted by our Savior.  And the Samaritan woman at the well who had five husbands and was living with another man, she was cast aside by her community, but totally accepted by her Savior.  Embraced.

We can’t surrender what we haven’t accepted has happened.  But when we believe we will be accepted by our Savior, we can accept some hardships ourselves.  Because He accepts us today, tomorrow, forever.  That acceptance is what can change this heart of stone into something beautiful.

I believed for a long time that I just had to “look good” for God.  That’s not what He wants.  He wants me to come, be seen, and known for exactly who I am, a sinner-then I can leave accepted, loved, cherished, whole. And this isn’t just for me, but for my neighbor too.

I don’t have this all figured out, but I know the times I resist accepting help, accepting truth, accepting love, accepting grace, or accepting joy I make my life harder.  It’s like going against the current.  It’s hard to withstand.  Until you lose your grip and you’re sure you’ll drown, but all of the sudden those truths pull you up and you accept them.

Then they move into your heart, and they start to come out of you.

He’ll do that- He will accept you, all your faults, failures, all the good things you think you’ve done.  He accepts it all.

Is there a piece of your past that you cannot accept?  It will not kill you.  Freedom comes from being freed from something.

Is there a part of yourself you distain?  Trust me, it’s the part that can makes you real to others.

Is there a part of your family that hurts too bad?   Accepting it can make it hurt less, because then you can move beyond yourself and into love.

Acceptance doesn’t mean condoning.   Acceptance means once we do, we can ask for help.  We can move.  We are no longer stuck.  We can use our resources.  But there are very few resources to the one who “has it all together.”

Don’t be the one who “has it all together” its a lonely place to be.  Real matters.  Real is the best way.

You are accepted.  Live out of that truth.

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