Control

I like control. There’s a safety there. Where you know what you’re capable of and how you will handle it all.

Where does that leave you?

Are you tired of trying to keep it all together?

Controlling your emotions.

Maybe controlling your response, not too angry so you don’t lose control but you still feel the need to express it.

Part of me has believed if I expressed an emotion then maybe it would go away.

So I’d confess away, trying to find relief especially from those intense emotions: anger, fear, depression.

Feeling like if I didn’t confess them the emotions would control me, take over. I’d condemn myself saying “I can’t believe you felt that way.”

Recently reading a book called “You are the one you’ve been waiting for.”

And it talks about how valid each of our emotions are, they are parts of us, is humans at least. And one emotion is not who we are, but a part. I have had depression and anxiety but those were expressions of deep hurt I was trying to control and mask so it would look prettier, more presentable. I’m learning there are parts of me that I have not taken care of.

Anxiety was a way I coped. It was the best I had at the time. So now, I’m relearning. And I’m really excited because God has a new way.

He came for all those parts I try to hide, the ones I push aside or lay a verse in it hoping it would consume it for me.

Stay posted, I’m walking this one out.

Are you angry?

Anger.  I love covering that word with some of the most deflated words.  I’m just upset.  I don’t know.  I just don’t feel good.  But, what I really feel is anger.

Is it okay to be angry?  I think so.  But in the moment I’m not sure if I can allow myself.

When fear normally shows up so do the thoughts.  “Oh, you can’t be angry.  Christians are patient, calm, and kind.”  I tell myself.  “How are your kids going to turn out?”  I remind.  “What would _______ (insert important person, or person staring at the grocery store) think of your angry outburst?”  Shame.

Anger is a complex thing.  It can come up at a moments notice, and I look around like what the heck just happened?  Dr.  Jekyll has come.

Guess who I like more?  The calm, cool, collected mom.  But with three kids five and under, there are going to be some “upsetting” moments.  Stubbing my toe can send me somewhere scary.

When I first started counseling, I had a lot of anger to express.  I had pent it up in this whole idea of being “kind, compassionate Christian girl.”  I wanted to be forgiving.  I wanted to be gentle.  Anger felt unforgiving and the opposite of gentle.

I had some things to be angry about.  They were valid.

And this diagram got me.  Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions has encouraged me more than a time or two in this process of freedom.  He describes anger’s opposite feeling as fear.  Wow.  Fear displays itself in anger sometimes.  So when I’m angry, my thoughts are normally on what other people are thinking about me, fearing how they perceive me as a mom.  Sometimes I’m angry because I’m afraid someone will hurt me.  I feel angry sometimes because of  my lack of control.

Learning how to express emotions is a huge step in walking out freedom I believe.

I like this freedom.  When I’m angry, it is okay, and maybe I can ask myself “Are you afraid?”

Are you angry?  Maybe ask yourself the same question, and then listen.  I like this response.  Feels loving.  Instead of punishing yourself for being angry, embrace it for a moment.